Mother-in-law ordinary. How to get along?
Unfortunately, the confrontation “mother-in-law - daughter-in-law” is found in almost every family. And the story is as old as the world. And in fairy tales, we see this, and in jokes we read. And every girl, searching for a partner, secretly hopes that her such torment will be bypassed. But it was not there. Everything repeats, like in that fairy tale, and now you can hear: “Snake in the countryside”, “Your wife is a monster,” “Does she spoil my blood,” “Wedding? Only through my TV ... ".
Where does dislike for daughters-in-law come from?
Let's leave Freud for now and just analyze how big the percentage of “mama's sons” is than the “daddy's daughters”? The connection “mother - son” is biologically so strong that almost all men in one degree or another keep it to the very end. And they have only two ways out. Either they try to be as close as possible to the mother (if not geographically, then at least psychologically: they endure calls 20 times a day, constantly ask her advice, cannot step or step without mom's approval), or try to separate themselves all their lives, to distance themselves, that is,to overcome the “mother-son” addiction (for example, they try not to call again, so as not to hear whining: “You don't love me, forget, don't call, but I gave you my whole life”).
Here is the “father-daughter” connection, mind you, not so strong. Firstly, because in some families, fathers are completely absent, and secondly, if there is a father, he is not as attached to children as their mother. Often, the relationship between father and daughter is determined by a sense of pride: “She is such a beautiful / smart / good housewife / cottage assistant”. Therefore, there is usually no problem.
How not to run into military actions? Safety, or Building relationships with mother in law
If you are not yet married or are looking for a husband, in advance perplex yourself in the matter of competently building relationships with your future mother-in-law. The option "how it goes" will not work. Building relationships is necessary from the first day of dating.
How best to meet?
But purposefully. "Honey, can you come to such and such a number there? I want to introduce you to my parents ”- these are the words you should hear from your chosen one. If he does not say this, offer to meet.
This option will be much more rewarding than if you, idyllic in the embrace of each other, suddenly encounter a mother-in-law who returned home. Thunder and lightning (at least mental) will not be avoided. No one likes surprise. Especially in such serious matters.
So it is better to get acquainted traditionally, especially the older generation honors traditions. Well, by the word "traditionally" I did not mean "boring". You can get acquainted at home family dinner, in a cozy cozy cafe, in the theater, in the cinema, on excursions, on a trip on skis. Be sure to consider the preferences of all occurring.
What to find out?
Be sure to unobtrusively find out (before dating), is there a husband / husband / lover? If so, does she love him? If you answered yes to both questions, you are less concerned. This means that the mother-in-law will devote more time to the older man and less to poke your nose into your affairs. If such a man does not exist, his mother-in-law will have a lot of time, strength and desire to possibly start a confrontation against you.
How to get dressed for dating?
As one friend of mine said, you need to “merge as much as possible with the surrounding background.”Clothing should be modest, strict and, if possible, expensive. If your mother-in-law understands Italian knitwear, then she will appreciate the luxury of your "modest" blouse, and if she does not have luxury, then at least she will show modesty.
Hairstyles to do better smooth, no protruding hair (the time of the 80s beetroots has not yet arrived).
What to talk about to please?
In one of the articles I already wrote that the interlocutor is most interested in the conversation ... he himself. Namely, what a good-good he is and how others don’t appreciate it. ” So ask about the childhood, the youth of your chosen one, about what he loves, about how mother took care of him. Sometimes it is not necessary to ask too much, all mothers like to remember aloud aloud: "How did I get a rare mixture", "How did the queue in the dairy kitchen stand idle", "How did not sleep at night, when there were colic", "How did she get out of work because his beat / got into a fight "," How she helped to go to university, supported morally "," Where we went together, "etc.
If the future mother-in-law is interested in your biography, tell only good, bypass the negative. If you ask about the former, answer that this is a past stage.Do not say bad about other people - relatives, colleagues, acquaintances. Since, do not forget, all this negative can be subconsciously attributed to you.
Yes, and you shouldn’t really boast about your merits, you don’t want to hear “boasting a lot”, “high opinions of yourself” behind your back? It is better to say that you can not choose a dress that you will put on the ceremony of awarding her son the "Best Employee of the Year" award.
How to live better: alone or together?
Of course, separately. This is an axiom. The relationship between mother and son, as we said earlier, is very strong, and therefore, if suddenly you live together, you will have to fulfill the role of not only the fighting girlfriend, wife, mother, but also the family psychologist to break this bond. But not all girls have the power to do it. And in this case only separate housing will help. Therefore, if you do not want problems, tortured psyche, seek your shelter. Take a mortgage, take the square meter on your pocket. If the husband offers to get married / have a child, make a counter offer - own housing. I would even call it a requirement, the same safety technique.
Or initially look for a man with housing.For many girls, such a search mechanism works on the subconscious: if a man with housing means that he has been separated and is ready to start a family. And this is not about commercialism. This is about your psychological peace with your husband.
And if you still can not live separately?
Then you have to cherish your psyche and negotiate. For example, two housewives in the kitchen does not happen by default. You still have to distribute, who is the chef, and who is in the wings. If your role is second and you do not eat everything that is customary in this family, you will have to cook for yourself. And also for the child, if he is very small. There will also be disagreements about his diet. It is necessary to set boundaries: “My child, and what he has, is also for me to decide” or “The pediatrician said to add this to the diet and in no case is this”.
You will also have to distribute responsibilities in all other household areas. “This I do, this is you, this is a husband. We do not climb into other people's affairs, otherwise there will be conflicts, and this is unpleasant. ”
If the beginnings of conflict arise when you do something together, it’s best to split right away. For example, to walk a child in turns, but not together. Because you are tired of listening: "Let's not go there," "Here is the wind / shadow, let's go here," "All men are goats," "Look, he eats sand again."
Well, in parallel, all the same, search for housing, as it is morally costly and ungrateful to establish your own orders on foreign territory. You may not like that the mother-in-law is cursing in front of a child, on her balcony there are rubble, and on Fridays a lot of guests. Of course, you can say about all this, but not the fact that you will be heard in the right way.
And how to say if you do not like something?
- The reason must be serious. For example, the mother-in-law fed the child with candy. And from them he has diathesis.
- When you name a problem, you can not touch the person. Firstly, because people become more sensitive with age, and secondly, they may have been deprived of many things in childhood, they were malnourished. For example, it is for this reason that grandmothers often feed their grandchildren, especially sweet ones. Speaking about the problem, we talk about the possible consequences and offer solutions. For example: “The pediatrician said to limit the sweet, otherwise there will be an aggravation of such and such things and then driven by doctors and examinations. This is painful. The doctor said there is more fruit, soups, purees. Will you be able to treat Misha borsch? ”
- You can act through her husband. For example, the mother-in-law swears at the child, badly puts it on the street.Have a husband see it. Men usually do not believe in the word. And then explain the negative consequences of all this. And then he will already talk to her, of course, without referring to you.
How often to see each other?
And as you prefer. Better to set boundaries. For example, invite a guest / cafe / theater on Saturdays or once a month, so that she does not run every day. Holidays - at your discretion. If, for example, you go with friends to the mountains and celebrate your birthday there, take the time to run to your mother-in-law.
This all, of course, does not concern emergency cases. For example, someone urgently needs to leave and there is no one to leave the child with. Here we must act as one team. In many families, this is not even discussed.
Stylish T-shirts and tops for hot summer (25 photos)
Making a cover for a cloth book
How to decorate Easter eggs
Coffee - the benefits and harm of your favorite drink
What expenses should a man incur and whether
Characteristic zodiac sign Cancer: phlegmatic on the outside, but emotional on the inside
Lamp - Carrying